I am not often a jerk but I do have the ability to transform into one. I’ll give you an example.
I used to travel a lot on business. I wasn’t extravagant. In fact, I was a bit cheap with my expenses. Even too cheap. I realized that when I suspected I was the only guest at a Holiday Inn near Dallas who was not a convicted felon. My point is, I didn’t ask for much. I simply did not want to sit in the center seat on any flight.
I had conveyed this request to our travel agent from a pay phone in the concourse at LAX after deplaning from a cross-country flight on which they had pre-booked me a center seat. In my own interpretation of Mark Ruffalo turning into the Hulk, I hissed in my jerkiest voice, “do not ever book me a center seat again. If you can’t get me an aisle seat, get me another flight.” I slammed the phone into the cradle and said, “What a jerk.” I was referring to myself.
So, it was a very anxious travel agent who called a contact, Caroline, in New York (no cell phones yet) who reached me in Albany to let me know that she could not get me an aisle seat on my flight to LA that afternoon. I was, at best confused.
Are you sure it’s for me?
I don’t remember booking a flight to LA.
Did I say why I am going to LA?
Caroline investigated and discovered that an assistant in the office had booked the ticket. I have no idea how in those pre-security days she could use it, but she had planned to take the flight to Los Angeles. I assume she had also planned to use the return trip. I don’t know if she had figured out how to process the expense report when she returned.
Let me digress here to say that filing expense reports was not my strong point. As evidence, I offer an instance when the accountant at another job brought me a check for over $900 (which Google tells me is almost $3K in today’s money) that I had somehow cheated myself out of. The assistant didn’t know that story but she did know me. End of digression.
Meanwhile, back in New York, Caroline was investigating. She called back with two options for dealing with the thief. The choice was mine.
* Cancel the ticket and fire her.
* Let her pick up the ticket and have her arrested.
I thought it over but not for long.
I told them to cancel the ticket.
I don’t know what I would have said if she wasn’t in NYC. I didn’t exactly know the procedure but I did know there was a women’s jail on Riker’s Island. I am sure there are vicious criminals that I might not feel bad seeing in Rikers but most humans should not be subject to that jail.
My point? If you feel obligated to commit a crime, let me suggest that you not do it in New York City. Others might not be so reluctant to press charges.
Another, more problematic, point: being a jerk really paid off. Nonetheless, I don’t want that to be my standing operating procedure.
A NOTE ABOUT THE PERP: I never saw her again. I forget her name. What I never forgot is that after she left we found thank you letters she never sent out to applicants for a job opening we had. For that, I can never forgive her.
